hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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