Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Randomize
