You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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