thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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