When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
