You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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