Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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