I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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