New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
