well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
