I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
