1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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