I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
