Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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