I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize