When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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