when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
