he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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