first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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