im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
