So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
just tell him i said nine months
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
