the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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