Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
