how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
