there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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