Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
True strength comes from lack of pants
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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