I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
