"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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