I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
