So drunk its hurt
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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