I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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