I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
