The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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