by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
