Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
