She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
