New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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