Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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