Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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