My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
