Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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