I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
