I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize