420 ftw
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
