operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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