Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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