I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
