The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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