Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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