I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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