you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Send help, water and tortillas.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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