I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
