i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
