Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize