im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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