If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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