you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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