So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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