I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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