Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
