I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
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