Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
