Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
