there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
