If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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