Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
