Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
