We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
