Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
