All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
