So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize