Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
